I Watch the Bees
by Serie11
Summary: Castiel absorbs Sam's madness, and there's only one reason he wants to become normal again. Destiel if you squint. One shot


I Watch the Bees

Castiel placed his hand to Sam's head, feeling the madness within. He tried to put back the wall he had destroyed, only to find that there were no building blocks left, only crumbled dust. He looked down on the broken man tied to the table in front of him.  
'Oh Sam, I'm sorry.'

'What the hell do you mean you can't?' Dean rubbed his face, fear written all over it.

Castiel feels a pang as he responds. "I mean there's nothing to rebuild.'

'Why not?' Dean asks, looking despairingly at his brother.

'Because it crumbled. The pieces got crushed to dust by whatever is happening inside his head right now.' Castiel also turns to look at the younger Winchester.

'So you're saying there's nothing? He's going to be like this until his candle blows out?' Dean voice is torn between anger and despair.

'I'm sorry. This isn't a problem I can make disappear. And you know that.' Castiel pauses for a moment, an idea coming to him. A way to redeem himself and free Sam at the same time. 'But I may be able to shift it.'

'Shift?'

'Yeah, it would get Sam back on his feet.'

Castiel knew that this was his fault – for ignoring Dean about Purgatory and its souls, for releasing the Leviathans and for taking down Sam's wall in the first place. He knew what he did in Heaven could not be forgiven. He had killed thousands of angels. He might know that he is an angel now, but what good would it do him to be an angel again? He would probably just stuff everything up – again – and fall prey to someone else's lies, and cause more damage than he already had. He couldn't tag along with Dean. Dean knew how to hunt, how to take care of people, how to save people. Castiel only knew how to destroy. Dean needed Sam, and that was enough for Castiel. If it made Dean happy, then he would do it. All of this flashed through his mind in under a second, and he knew what he had to do.

'It's better this way. I'll be fine.'

'Wait, Cas, what are you doing?' Castiel was lightened that Dean still cared enough to ask what he doing even though he knew Castiel was going to heal his brother.

'Now, Sam… I'm sorry I ever did this to you.'

He once more placed his hand to Sam's head, but this time instead of trying to fix it, he transferred it – to himself.

But Sam, he would be good for the world.

The fiery rivulets of pain trickled up his arm bringing an escape, for Sam, and for Castiel. Castiel felt his Grace being surrounded and then invaded by the sickness, and then it was done.

Sam sat up in bed. Except now he wasn't Sam. He was Lucifer, and he leaned forward, towards Castiel.

'Hello… brother', Lucifer said. In the background, Castiel could vaguely hear Sam, Dean and Meg trying to talk to him. And then Sam and Dean were gone. Their parting words with Meg came through clearer than anything else.

'If there's any change, at any time, at all, call me.' Dean's voice was rough with emotion, but Castiel didn't know whether it was from getting Sam's mind back together or from losing him. It was probably Sam, Castiel pondered. Nobody could care for him, not after what he did. Guilt for what he did crashed over him suddenly. He was left trying to grapple with what was left of him – _of Castiel_ – all alone. But he deserved to be alone. And the yawning darkness of madness called, called, so invitingly, as an escape, an escape from everything. And oh, how he wanted it.

Meg took the position at the mental hospital as Dr Masters. It was easy to fake a degree, and easier to get herself assigned one patient only – Castiel. He didn't sleep - angels didn't need sleep – but sometime it looked like he was sleeping. He would lie on the bed, with his eyes closed. Sam had told her what Cas had done, both to him, and for him. Meg didn't think anyone should have to remember the Cage, especially being the punching bag for Lucifer. Sam didn't know whether the madness had been transferred literally or not, and whether Cas had Sam's madness or his own. So Meg just sat with him, talked to him, and bounced a ball around the room until it disappeared. She didn't know if that was a good sign or not. She had nothing else to do, and she didn't think that Crowley would come looking for her in a mental hospital, looking after a patient that needed more help than any other person there.

It was a good month before he woke up, as in actually became conscious of his surrounding again instead of staring blankly at the wall or the ceiling. It was about eight o'clock in the evening. The first thing he said was 'where is my coat? Dean gave me my coat.'

Meg knew that there was something going on between those two, but whether it was physical or just some mental angel wackadoodle thing she didn't know. So she simply fetched the coat from where she had stashed it, giving it to Castiel. He immediately put it on. Meg didn't know what to do next, so she just helped him do whatever he wanted to. He bounced around the hospital, talking to the other patients, and sometimes matching them for crazy talk. He would come up with opinions on things that had no meaning whatsoever, like his conviction that animals everywhere needed to be saved, and why cosmetics were tested on being who were smarter than a human.

He proved that he knew about what he did, who he was, and more importantly for Meg, what he was. She wanted an angel on her side, one that depended on her. Well, she had one. The only problem was that he refused to fight, or participant in anything violent, or anything that would even start an argument. She didn't realise that he was brain-washing the patients and doctors so there was no fighting until she saw Trevor and Trixie, two of the most stubborn and sour people there, agreeing on something when each of them hated the others guts and would argue over the finest points on things for hours.

'Clarence, you can't go around mind scrubbing people. It's not allowed. The sheep have to have free will right? Weren't you all for that?'

Of course that put him into a sulk that lasted for about three minutes. Meg finally decided that she should call the Winchesters after he started a board game marathon, zapping all over just to get new ones for the patients. Of course they loved that – there never anything new here, the doctors were convinced that something new could set any of them off at any second – and Cas was soon the life of the hospital.

'When did this happen?' Dean's voice was crackly over the bad reception, but she could still tell that he was mad.

'About eight last night. Look, you better be thankful that I'm even calling you.' Dean said something on the other end of the phone, something about a tablet.

'Yeah, we'll be there as fast as we can.'

Castiel was taking a break from the festivity like celebrations that were going down in the common room, thanks to him. He was glad that he could bring life back to many of these people – they had nearly nothing left, and the majority of them were here because they had no family, or they had a family that didn't want them.

Meg walked in, carrying her annoying ball. Castiel vanished it again before she could start bouncing it.

'There used to be someone else in this coat.' Castiel looked up at Meg's face. He had grown used to seeing the demon within the vessel she was using, and it no longer worried him.

'What do you mean Clarence?' She raised an eyebrow in confusion. 'It's your coat – who else would be wearing it? Do you mean your vessel?'

'No, I mean someone else. The being which is gone now.'

Meg creased her brow in confusion. She didn't understand. She didn't understand that he was broken, that there was something missing from him, that there was a different person in this body once but that he was gone, that angel was gone, with his goals and emotions and thoughts. There was only this broken shell left behind that was him, and he knew he was broken.

'I owe you for staying with me Meg.'

She smiled, and he smiled back. 'It's okay Clarence. What else did I have to do? There's a manhunt for me, and whoever bring my head back on a platter will be rewarded by Crowley.'

'But still, you didn't need to stay here.'

'Nah, it was the perfect cover.'

Castiel nodded once before disappearing, He realised that the one person who would understand what he meant was far away, and he wouldn't want anything to do with Castiel, not after what he did to him and his little brother.

So instead he went and found an orchard. He walked among the trees there before finding a nest of bees in one of the forks of a tree, all of the bees bust flying around, bringing back pollen and nectar to the hive. He decided that he liked bees very much, before going and setting up half a dozen potential hive places all around the orchard. He collected some honey before bringing it back to his room and sitting on his bed. Meg was talking to Sam and Dean, and Castiel took a moment to revel in the fact that Dean had come back even though he had betrayed him so many times. That Dean still wanted to be near him, that he didn't really blame Castiel for failing Dean and Sam so many times.

Castiel needed Dean more than he needed anything else, he needed his understanding. That made Castiel feel something, something he didn't want to feel.

Castiel went along with Dean and Sam, and he tried to negate conflict where he could but it didn't seem to work. Castiel felt himself becoming more connected with the brothers, but Dean more than Sam. The younger Winchester kept some distance between them – and who could blame him? Castiel had broken the wall in his mind and had turned him insane.

Castiel knew that something was wrong when Dick was stabbed, but he couldn't stop the bending of time and reality that sucked them into Purgatory.

When Castiel felt them after him – Leviathan – he knew he would have to abandon Dean to protect him. The thought made something inside him crack, but it also hardened his resolve.

He would protect the hunter. _His hunter._


End file.
